One of the great frustrations of parenting teenagers is discovering that authority has a shelf life. When children are young, parents can often get away with a simple command. Put on your shoes. Get in the car. Go to bed. Teenagers are different.
At some point, usually sooner than parents would like, children begin evaluating what their parents say rather than merely obeying it. Parents often interpret this as disrespect. Sometimes it is. But often it is something else.
The teenager has started asking a question that adults ask every day: Why should I listen to you?
A recent study discussed by the University of Rochester caught my attention because it helps explain why some parental efforts backfire. The researchers found that teenagers were much more receptive to parental warnings when their parents consistently lived in line with the values they claimed to hold. As psychologist Judith Smetana put it, parents need to “walk the walk.”
That finding should surprise exactly nobody who has ever met a teenager. Teenagers are many things. Gullible is generally not one of them.
Teenagers Notice More Than Parents Think
Parents sometimes believe their credibility comes from being parents. Teenagers often view the matter differently.
- The teenager sees Dad lecture about honesty and then exaggerate on his taxes.
- The teenager hears Mom talk about kindness and then spend twenty minutes criticizing somebody else’s appearance.
- The teenager hears speeches about responsibility from adults who routinely ignore their own responsibilities.
The lesson the teenager learns is not necessarily that honesty, kindness, and responsibility are unimportant. The lesson may be that the adults do not really believe what they are saying. That creates a problem because parenting depends heavily on credibility.
A parent’s influence is not derived entirely from authority. It comes from legitimacy. Children are far more likely to follow advice from someone who appears to believe in and practice it themselves.
Most adults are exactly the same way.
Family Court Is Full of Examples
One reason this study resonated with me is that family lawyers see this problem in various forms every day. A parent will testify that a child is disrespectful, rebellious, or refuses to follow rules. Sometimes that is true. But occasionally, as the testimony unfolds, another picture emerges.
- The parent demanding respect has spent years speaking disrespectfully to the child.
- The parent demanding honesty has not always been honest with the child.
- The parent demanding accountability has never accepted accountability for his or her own mistakes.
Then everyone wonders why the teenager is resistant.
I am not suggesting that teenagers become difficult only because of their parents. Teenagers have been making questionable decisions since the beginning of human civilization. Every generation discovers that seventeen-year-olds occasionally believe themselves to be immortal. Still, parents frequently underestimate the degree to which children evaluate them.
What I Found Most Interesting
The most interesting part of the study was not the finding about credibility. Most people already know that hypocrisy undermines influence. What surprised me was what actually seemed to change behavior.
According to the researchers, the strongest predictor that teenagers would stop engaging in problematic behavior was not the warning itself. It was parental perspective-taking. In other words, parents who genuinely tried to understand what was going on inside the teenager’s head were more successful.
That is a much harder task than issuing a warning. Warnings are easy. Understanding is difficult.
When a child comes home drunk, misses curfew, skips class, or lies, parents naturally focus on the behavior. They want it to stop.
The teenager is often focused on something entirely different. Maybe the child was trying to fit in. Maybe the child was struggling with anxiety. Maybe the child was embarrassed. Maybe the child simply exercised extraordinarily poor judgment.
Whatever the reason, parents who understand the motivation behind the conduct may be better positioned to address it.
That does not mean there should be no consequences. Understanding is not the same as excusing. Those concepts are often confused. A parent can impose consequences while still making a sincere effort to understand what happened. In fact, the two probably work best together.
The Practical Lesson
The practical takeaway is not that parents should become permissive. Teenagers need boundaries. They need structure. They need consequences. But they also need parents who are credible. And credibility cannot be demanded. It must be earned.
Parents earn credibility by living according to the values they promote. They earn credibility by being honest about their own mistakes. They earn credibility by demonstrating self-control, responsibility, and integrity when nobody is forcing them to do so.
Most importantly, they earn credibility by listening.
When I think back on difficult parent-child relationships that surfaced in my family-law cases, very few were damaged by a lack of rules. Many were damaged by a lack of trust. Parents often assume that trust is something children owe them. The more difficult reality is that trust usually flows in both directions.
Teenagers are much more willing to accept guidance from adults who have demonstrated that they are worth following.
And that may be the real lesson here. The question is not whether your teenager hears what you say. The question is whether your teenager believes you mean it.